Tales from the Agoraphobia Pit

a month

2009-08-28T10:09:00.001-07:00

Wow, I've been busy. And for the last month I've been feeling really good. Little or no depression, stomach great ... until this week. Suddenly the gnawing feeling in my stomach is back. I'm eating no dairy or eggs, minimal soy ... and here I am. Starving all the time. This morning it woke me up at 5.

I'm at a loss. It could be my post-menstrual crap. It could be the wine I've been drinking (I've stopped just in case -- did you know some wines are made with eggs or milk??). It could be the hella stressful couple of weeks I've had.

All I know is, I suddenly can't relax. My stomach gnaws and gnaws. The hole is back. Shit. The good news is that I don't have any of the nausea I had before. But now I've got the fear ... I just keep waiting for it to come back, too. I really thought that making such a big dietary change would last longer than a month. Honestly, I'm a little pissed ... what the hell am I supposed to do? Spend $300 on an allergy test every six weeks? Stop eating? My husband suggested that I try a little harder to rotate my foods, which is a good suggestion ... I probably do eat the same things too often. But, hell ... at this rate two days a week I'm going to be rotating in air because that's all there will be that's legal. Or maybe it's not.

I'm so hoping that this is temporary. That it's because of wine or coffee or stress and in a few days it'll taper off. Please. I'm really not ready to do this again. Please.

busybusybusy

2009-07-22T07:17:00.000-07:00

I'm coming up on a busy couple of weeks - I'm starting a new job (from home, just a new account, but still, there are a lot of adjustments to make, a lot to learn) that doubles my workload -- and that doesn't count my full time job (you know, the one with the two little very demanding bosses). So I'll be busy. I am planning on doing a post to cover my EFT homework -- which is to plan a normal day out of the house. I think it will be interesting -- a lot of people who say they have agoraphobia still manage to do normal things -- you know, they go grocery shopping, take the kids to dance class, whatever. I don't. I might do another post that goes through one of our real normal days too. Anyway, that will probably be the extent of my posting over the next 2 weeks.

Right now? I'm still struggling with food. My appetite is fine. I'm starving, actually. I'm figuring out that the gnawing, uncomfortable stomach feeling seems to happen when I eat dairy (or anything else that I'm sensitive to). Unfortunately it seems to be happening somewhat with goat milk products now, too -- although I seem to be able to get away with a very small amount. Still, I'm really struggling with what to eat. I'm planning to cut out all dairy completely, along with eggs and soy and minimal wheat -- oh, and no nuts, either. They didn't show a reaction on my allergy test, but they just don't work for me. Ugh. I've ordered a dairy and egg and nut free cookbook, which should be here in a day or two. I'm hoping that will give me some options. Then I'm dragging everyone on a monumental grocery shopping trip this weekend. If we need to go to Whole Foods, we're going. I'm starving, and it has to stop. I am still allowing myself one small glass of white wine either with dinner or before bed -- I don't know if that's a good idea or not, but it seems to make life a little nicer, so what the hell. I need some kind of treat, right?

So that's it. Happy working to me. And happy everything to you.

Monday

2009-07-20T10:25:00.000-07:00

I made it to EFT on Friday. It was fine, although my blood sugar/stomach was not being very friendly.

This weekend was uneventful. Went for a short hike in the park with my husband and kids -- fairly successfully. Also -- and this is bigger -- went to a movie last night. The last movie I went to was two years ago -- I was very nervous and wanted to leave. Last night was better. Once the movie got going, I did pretty well -- while we sat through the pre-movie stuff, I babbled incessantly, and was wound up enough to feel sort of tipsy (which I wasn't -- probably just hyperventilating a bit). I snacked pretty constantly through the movie, just to keep my blood sugar in check, and made it pretty well. Yay, me.

Today, I'm exhausted. The kids are gone, and I need to be getting some serious work done, but I'm so tired. So far I've made it without any dairy at all -- goat or cow -- and my stomach has been feeling pretty good. I'm sure I'll be starving at some point, but so far so good. I'm discouraged about the dairy -- and this busy work time isn't conducive to seeking out and trying new recipes -- but plenty of people can't eat dairy and they don't have the resources I do. I'll manage. If my stomach feels better, I'll do whatever it takes.

Not again?

2009-07-17T06:46:00.000-07:00

My tummy seems to be rebelling again. Just a little. For the past couple of days I've been constantly hungry and this morning I was all knotted up. As far as that, though, I was actually worrying about things when I woke up. My husband told me -- as I was going to sleep (thanks) -- that he's going out of state for four days in a month (him being out of town is my hugest stressor, always, which means I will begin panicking now and be in a total frenzy by the time he actually goes), I'm starting a new job (which is the same as my current work-from-home job, but which more than doubles my work load), and I have an EFT appointment today that I'm very much not wanting to go to (I'm still considering calling and cancelling). So my tension level is high, but I'm also worried that my substitution of goat milk and cheese for cow's milk is backfiring, and I'm feeling the need to cut the goat stuff out as well. Which makes me panic a little about what exactly I'm supposed to eat.

Sigh. I think the job is what's got me currently in a bunch. And probably why I don't want to go to EFT today -- I just can't stand the thought of having one more thing in my schedule. My previous work load was enough to stress me out because it usually means relying on the TV a lot to entertain the kids. Double the work means I dump them in front of the TV more and also miss out on my own necessary personal stuff -- like yoga and "me" time in the evenings for half the month. I know in a couple of months I'll get in the swing of things, but for now I'm really dreading the transition.

Follow Through Who?

2009-07-16T08:08:00.001-07:00

I'm wondering at my lack of ability to follow through with anything. I think that's one reason my agoraphobia is sticking around. Or maybe lack of commitment is a problem agoraphobics tend to have.

I'm trying very hard (in my mind) to justify cancelling my EFT appointment tomorrow. Even though in my mind I've committed to five appointments (tomorrow is number 3). I don't know why. I've been a little anxious this week, but it's mostly due to eating things I shouldn't be eating and maybe a little PMS. If I'd straighten out my diet, I'd be fine. I've really enjoyed my previous appointments, but I think the reason I want to not go is I see that the real work should be starting soon. And that makes me feel lazy. Last time, the therapist had me go outside with him to do some tapping. It was hot and kind of awkward. But I really wasn't that uncomfortable, and I probably could've done more than I did, but I didn't feel like it with him there and in the heat. Lazy. And this time I'm thinking that he's going to see if I can do more. And I'm just feeling not like walking around a busy business neigborhood is the million degree heat. So at this point, either I start thinking it's not worth it or I keep going and he thinks I'm resisting. Which I guess I am. It's interesting that I'm seeing this part of myself so clearly this time. Maybe it will help me follow through better.

It makes me wonder if my lack of desire to go for walks and practice drives is just laziness too. OK, I know it's not just laziness -- it's also absolute terror of that heart pounding feeling I get when I try to go out alone. Right now, it's partly this time of year. Even when I was a kid, I was absolutely useless in the summer heat. It renders me useless, and I just want to nap all day. Which I usually did in the summer as a kid. But I can't totally blame the heat. I've had three years and lots of different weather to change how I am, and I haven't done it.

Right now, though, I'm starving (another excuse I have for not trying and skipping my appointment -- damn, I've been starving the last 3 days), so I should get a snack before I turn into a freak.

So glad

2009-07-14T10:07:00.000-07:00

to feel better enough not to remember to post every day. I'd say I'm back to my pre-whatever the hell happened two months ago self. No more puking and nausea, and relatively better sleep.

What does that mean? I'm still anxious -- we go out, and I get minorly panicked. We had some furniture delivered today, and my husband couldn't be here, so I had to deal with that -- again, some panic (which escalated a lot right before the delivery guys left, but overall, I made it ok with strangers in the house for nearly an hour). Agoraphobia is definitely still working, but at least if I'm feeling very not like going out, I can stay in and feel pretty good. In short, I don't feel like shit all the time, and that's a major relief.

When I was taking medication and feeling my worst, I couldn't read, couldn't think of meals to make, couldn't take the kids outside, couldn't eat or sleep, and was afraid to take a shower. I could sit at the computer and obsessively google symptoms. Yay. Now, though, I'm functioning. This is what I wanted -- to get back to how I felt a few months ago.

So here I am. Now I need to take advantage of feeling better physically and really work on my anxiety. I have another EFT appointment on Friday. I also need to clean up my couple of bad habits -- mainly the bit of wine and caffeine I've been having -- so that I'll feel my absolute best. Honestly, though, at the moment, I'm just so relieved to be able to sleep and eat and feel alive again, that I just want to enjoy it.

Still hanging in ...

2009-07-11T07:14:00.000-07:00

Three relaxed, feeling pretty good mornings. It's so nice to sleep a little bit late and have an entirely calm stomach. So weird that it just. stopped. I wonder what did it? Was it eliminating milk and eggs? Was it the fact that last week was crazy and this week is not? Was it the absence of medication? Was it just time? I have to think it was something -- because I woke up sick and knotted for two whole months. About a week after the diet changes and two weeks after quitting Klonopin, it stops.

I've had a ton of (kind of nervous) energy this week, too. Yesterday I finished painting my son's room (which has been in progress and mostly done by my husband for about a month) and cleaned up -- it was five good hours of pretty hard work. I haven't done anything that strenuous in months. Hell, I haven't even vacuumed in about six weeks (we have hard floors, and I have swept with a broom, so don't think I'm totally disgusting).

This morning, though, I'm having the urge to do nothing. Which I feel is deserved after yesterday. I've been having such a hard time getting the kids outside this week -- the heat index has been at 110 for days -- I'm just not tolerating the heat this summer, and I'm not enjoying being in the pool at all (I'm not sure it's anxiety, either -- it's just very unappealing, even at the spa, where I was kid free, it just didn't sound nice -- odd, because last summer I was totally into the heat and the water). We'll see if we make it out today or not. I went outside about 8:30 a.m. and it was already sweltering. I feel bad keeping us inside, but the kids get tired of sweat and bug bites after about ten minutes anyway. I guess ten minutes of fresh (hot, muggy) air is better than nothing.

Good weekend wishes! Mine actually may be! I do wish it included last weekend's reflexology treatment ....

I guess I'm feeling better

2009-07-09T11:31:00.000-07:00

I think not posting for three days means I'm doing something other than sitting in front of the computer trying to make it through the day. I'm not feeling perfect, but I'm definitely feeling more like myself. Sleep is still not the best, but I didn't puke this morning -- yay! I've actually been getting some stuff done around the house, and my brain doesn't feel so scrambled. I've had interest in activities -- and after not giving a shit about anything for two months, that feels nice. My appetite is much better -- and I think cutting out milk and eggs has really helped the nausea. I'm hoping after a couple of weeks without them, I'll really be able to tell a difference. I have been having wine with dinner most nights -- I don't know that that's really the best idea since alcohol in general usual makes my anxiety worse, but I've been enjoying it. It's just nice to be able to have a little treat with or after dinner, especially since my food choices are kind of limited.

I also think I've finally escaped all the Klonopin withdrawal symptoms -- it's been two weeks today, and I've managed not to take any "as needed" like I planned to, even with all the running around we've done the last ten days. Honestly, the thought of putting any more of that poison into my body makes me cringe. I can make it without it.

So, good, I think. I'm not to the point that I want to start walking or trying to go for drives again, but I think I'll get there before long. At my last EFT appointment, I was told not to force myself to do anything I wasn't ready for -- he said when I was ready, I'd be able to do things comfortably. That's the first time anyone's ever told me that -- it felt good, like it was ok not to be ready knowing that I will be ready soon.

Made. It.

2009-07-06T10:37:00.000-07:00

I lived. Actually the spa treatments -- reflexology and a massage -- were quite lovely. To be fair, I had a glass of wine in hand pretty much the whole time. I didn't drink an excessive amount or anything, but I had some on hand for sipping all the time. Even this morning.

Yesterday was a lovely rainy day, which was a change from the 100+ temperatures we've had lately, so that made it a bit more relaxing. I didn't sleep very well, but -- here it is -- I did not puke this morning. Holy cow. I hope it lasts. I woke up in the night, but I never crossed over to the super nervous stage. I hope my stomach will be convinced that this puking stuff is done.

I was pretty finished by the time we got back to my town. We were supposed to pick up lunch, but I was feeling pretty spent and blood sugary, so I asked to go home and eat -- with the special diet as my excuse. It worked. I feel a little weepy and really tired now -- probably all the wine and the fact that my lunch is over an hour late. Husband and kids are at the movies, so I should have a good couple of hours to rest and feel better?

I'm so relieved that I made it through. And it was even somewhat enjoyable. Whew.

What do I have to worry about now??

It's finally here

2009-07-05T06:53:00.000-07:00

Spa day. My ride will be here in a little over 2 hours. Shit. I can't even begin to tell you how freaked out I am over this. Why? It's a lovely rainy day -- great for getting a massage and doing nothing but drinking wine and reading. That sounds nice even to me. Except that I haven't been out of the house with anyone but my husband in over 2 years. I'm leaving my safe person, my safe zone. I'm completely dreading the drive ... I don't know what to expect when I get there. What will the food be like? Will I totally freak out during the massage ... and the reflexology treatment ... more than 2 hours stuck on tables?? I keep trying to remind myself that I'm not stuck. If I totally freak out and need to end the massage early, I can just say, "I'm sorry, I'm not feeling well, I'd like to stop now." I'm a grown up. Chances are good the therapist will be younger than me. I'm also reminding myself that a pounding heart won't kill me. If I panic, it won't last long, probably, and even if it lasts the whole hour, I won't die. I just hate the idea of white knuckling through a massage. So ridiculous. So very possible, though. And then there's the free time ... hours of it. And not even a bed to myself.

I'm trying not to even think about how I may feel in the morning. The puking hasn't stopped. It's a little better, except that today I'm completely stressed out.

Ack. I feel so silly. I want to look forward to this. It should be nice and relaxing. No cooking or picking up or giving baths or putting anyone to bed or changing pull ups or taking anyone to the bathroom for 24 whole hours. I'm desperately hoping that I'll chill out a little once we get on the road and get there. Please. Just don't let it be an entire day of panic. Let me enjoy it a little bit.

Hungry

2009-07-04T07:14:00.000-07:00

I'm missing dairy already. Woke up starving. Oddly, my blood sugar seemed to catch up with itself a little quicker this morning than it usually does. My nice husband is headed up to the store to get some goat cheese and yogurt so I don't starve.

Another busy day

2009-07-03T21:35:00.001-07:00

Pretty high anxiety. I've been feeling really weird and ... not dizzy ... but kind of vertigo-ish this week. I don't know if it's withdrawal from the clonazepam or the wine I've had several nights this week or just exhaustion from waking up at 4 am so many mornings.

Bought furniture. I actually sat at the purchasing desk and set everything up while my husband watched the kids in the play area of the store. I considered freaking out because I felt horrid. Didn't.

Went to my second EFT appointment. Was still terribly anxious and off center feeling. Felt better after I left and even went in the health food store by myself and bought a few groceries while my husband waited in the car with the kids.

Felt good until about dinner time when I got very anxious ... stayed anxious as we got in the car to head an hour north to a fireworks show. Did ok during, though, despite some dry mouth. Still tired.

Missing cheese. Oh! That's another thing. Got my IgG4 allergy test results today. Severely allergic to eggs and milk. Moderately allergic to mustard (??), soy, peanuts, and oats. So that's something. It also means rethinking my diet even more. Cheese is my standby low blood sugar saver. And I eat eggs every morning (although I'm seriously sick of them, so I'm not that sorry). The cheese, though ... I'll switch to goat cheese as soon as I can get some more. The thing about this kind of allergy is that is develops when you eat too much of a single food ... so if I switch from cow's milk cheese to something else there's a chance I'll develop a sensitivity to it, too. I'm so bad at eating ... I find something that works and eat way too much of it, and look what happens. Sigh. I'm encouraged though, because I've read about some people having greatly improved anxiety after cutting out milk or eggs when they're allergic. Now if I can only figure out what I'm supposed to eat instead ....

Another day

2009-07-02T06:16:00.000-07:00

Still worrying about the weekend trip. I wonder if I'll be more relaxed once it's over.

We have one more family outing planned for this week -- today. We're going to a big indoor playground place for the kids. And then ... holy hell... a mall. My stomach is clenching at the thought. But really, for a heat sensitive soul, shouldn't a mall be perfect for me? Climate controlled, food everywhere, and plenty of people to call 911 should I collapse. Ugh.

For now I'm alone for the morning. Dad and the kids are out getting haircuts and things. I kind of hope they take their time ... I haven't had my morning nap all week.

My husband and I have had many arguments over my situation this week. Many more than usual. I know it's because I've been feeling worse lately, so I want to do less. I know it's been two months. I also know that I haven't been that great for nearly 3 years. I know. I think he thinks I don't know. But I know. I wish I didn't feel too exhausted to walk around half the time. Too tired and dizzy and weird to take the kids out on my own -- or even for a walk. Every time we argue it comes down to him thinking I'm not trying hard enough. Maybe I'm not. It feel like I'm trying to me. Either way it makes me feel terrible. And I wonder if I'll ever be able to do this. And I sort of wish I had a real disease so that maybe I'd get some sympathy. I suppose that's selfish.

Will it ever stop??

2009-07-01T06:32:00.000-07:00

The nighttime nervousness? The morning puking? I've managed to muscle through the last 2 days of outings and family fun -- even didn't feel too bad some of the time. But the mornings? I can't decide if it's doctor-worthy or not. Mostly I think not. I've read tons of stuff about people who had exactly the morning nausea stuff I have ... for years ... and it was nothing but anxiety. Which sucks. Is there a chance I could have this for years??

I could really stand to sleep past 4 am. Really. So dreading the spa stay. I don't like puking around people I'm not around very often. "Hey, fun holiday. Excuse me while I puke for an hour this morning." Sigh. I'm not holding out much hope that it will stop by then.

6 days without the clonazepam. It's nice to know that even though I feel bad, at least I'm off the pills. Having a little muscle tension, but this is a kind of stressful week for me, so it might not even be the pills.

Need a nap.

Staycation

2009-06-30T06:46:00.000-07:00

We opted to do day trips close to home. So yesterday we took the kids to the aquarium in Dallas -- about an hour away. I was feeling pretty rough, but I managed fine, even though it was crowded. I wasn't very anxious -- mostly just tense and weird feeling. And tired. I've been awake at 4 the last two mornings with very bad restless sleep after that. Does not make for a restful night.

I can't tell if my off feelings are due to withdrawing the clonazepam or not. I read that withdrawal symptoms peak around 5 days after you stop -- that would be today -- but I really don't know if I took it long enough to have much withdrawal. Maybe a bit. It would be nice to know the weirdness I'm feeling isn't all me.

Today we're off to pick berries and go to a small nearby zoo. It's going to be hot -- and it's the first time I've had to function in the morning in a while. Feeling pretty exhausted and queasy, but hoping I can tough this one out, too. At least today we'll be no more than half an hour from our house at any time -- and no place is very big, so I can always escape to the car if I have to.

Tomorrow we stay home. I'm ready. I miss my morning nap.

Progress?

2009-06-28T12:28:00.000-07:00

Suddenly, I want to get out of the house. My husband is not working this week, and I really want us all to go somewhere for a few days. This is a change. Still ... I feel better. Makes me wonder at what point the pills stopped helping. I know they helped for a few days ... even after a couple of weeks, when I stopped taking them I would have terrible anxiety, but now .... Not much. A little because I had some coffee this morning. Nothing like it was a month ago. What's changed? Am I eating better? Am I just relaxing? I'm still feeling awful in the morning, am still pretty tense, but ... different. I hope I can keep this big crash from happening again. I can't tell you how different I feel today.

72 hours

2009-06-28T07:40:00.000-07:00

According to what I've read, the half life of clonazepam is 36 hours ... which means it should be out of my system today. I don't really feel any different. Still nervous and pukey this morning. I'm so on the fence about going to the doctor. I feel like it's either hypoglycemia or just nerves -- in either case a doctor's not going to do anything. Besides give me more Prilosec.

We went into the city to go to Whole Foods yesterday. I took my bottle of clon with me, but I didn't take any. It was comforting to know that even if I had a total meltdown, I could take one if I really needed to and feel better within half an hour. Oddly, I did better yesterday than I did the last time we went when I was much more medicated.

I really don't think my nerves are the problem right now. My blood sugar and my stomach are screwed up -- which makes me nervous and unbelievably fatigued, which in turn makes me not want to do anything but sleep and snack and sleep some more.

My companion for the spa weekend asked me today if we were "still on." The place has a no cancellation policy -- and I wasn't really given a choice. Why do I have one now? I don't think I do. I think she just wants to hear how excited I am. I wish I really was excited. I'd rather just rest and hang out with my family this week.

Day 2

2009-06-27T06:48:00.000-07:00

Seems like I'm always counting. Feeling weirder, maybe today, but a little less queasy. More nervous this morning -- but I had beer last night again ( I know that's a bad idea, but ... ). I also have a couple of tingly fingers and my jaw feels weird. Heart a little thumpy. Trying to finish breakfast and lay back down for a little while. Everyone's gone this morning, so I can be a little lazy without feeling guilty.

Making it

2009-06-26T13:18:00.001-07:00

So far so good. I feel weird -- headachey, dry mouth, hungry, tiiiiired. The dizziness of this morning seems better. I'm wondering how much of my previous anxiety is going to come back -- it's been six ... or four? ... or something ... weeks since I've been without medication totally, so I can't exactly remember what I was having ... stomach pain.

I'm fighting the urge to have coffee this afternoon -- just wondering how I'm going to muddle through the sleepiness. I don't think caffeine would help keep the anxiety under control, and I'm very sure it would not feel good on my tummy. Still ... it might get rid of this headache. So would getting off the computer. I think I'll try that first.

Clean?

2009-06-26T08:46:00.000-07:00

No clonazepam today ... so far at least. Feeling shaky and dizzy ... although that could partly be due to the beer I had last night. I'm feeling pretty confident that I can handle being without it -- it's not like I've taken it that long. I'm expecting a bit of discomfort this weekend, and hopefully that will be all. I don't think I took it long enough or quit suddenly enough to have very long w/d symptoms. I hope.

I still wish I didn't have the spa weekend ... now a week away. I feel like it's a deadline to feel better. Checkout time the day we leave is 11:00. I usually -- barely -- have my shit together by then. I don't know about an hour in the car after that. And I'm absolutely dreading the two hours of massages I'm signed up for. Seriously? Maybe I can have a glass of wine before each hour. I almost had a panic attack during my half hour massage last week. It's not fair that I have to dread things that are supposed to be relaxing. I wish anyone had listened to me when I said I wasn't ready. All it's doing is stressing me out. Not ready. You know what would have been good? Take the kids somewhere overnight. Let me sit around and not do a damn thing while they're gone. THAT would be relaxing. At least as relaxed as I'm capable of right now.

Anyway, wish me luck today. Need to get some work done and not freak out. That's the complete goal.

Don't blame the pills

2009-06-25T05:43:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure my nerves yesterday were to be blamed on the clon. I didn't have the same problem last night (although I was crazy hungry all night and this morning). I"m thinking it could have been the 100 mg of GABA I took before dinner that night. Or the lame rice crackers I had for a snack.

This morning? Stomach, stomach, stomach -- empty. I'm so going to the doctor on Monday. This puking has to stop. So do the middle of the night snacks. I should be able to sleep through the night without getting hungry. I'm just really seeing that I'm going to get sent home with some more Prilosec ... or maybe Tagamet this time ... or something else for HEARTBURN which I only have after I take a round of heartburn medication. I'm just going to have to go in with my -- however ridiculous -- list of health concerns and not rest until I've been tested for everything. Adrenal tumor, pancreatic tumor, ulcer -- I know they sound extreme, but those are all things that can cause extreme hunger, anxiety, and vomiting. I know doctors don't like to diagnose hypoglycemia, but maybe I can at least get the guy to rule out a few things that might be causing it. If he can't find anything then I'm just not eating enough and I need to be patient and keep eating. It sounds silly, but I sometimes fantasize that I've got a nice little benign tumor that's causing all this trouble. And -- even though it would cost a lot -- they'd take it out and everything would be fine. The end. (With adrenal tumors that actually happens, too.) The question is whether this doctor will actually test for that kind of thing. Maybe if I'm up front he can at least tell me if I'm being ridiculous.

Going to take (maybe my last) .0625 mg dose of clon today. After today, my husband will be home for ten days, so that should give me plenty of time to get over any fear of spazzing out from not taking it while he's gone. With the doctor visit and the much anticipated spa weekend coming up, I'm guessing I'll still take a few small doses over the next week or so, but I'm going to try to keep it to the absolutely necessary. Damn I'm really dreading the spa weekend. I feel like I'm possibly feeling a tiny bit better, but that weekend puts pressure on me to feel all the way better -- or that my companion will make me feel like I'm doing much worse that I feel like I am because she has no idea just how bad I've felt lately.

Anyway, today. Totally ready for my after breakfast nap. Poor kids. Boring me.

Caved

2009-06-24T10:06:00.000-07:00

So I took between .0625 and .125 mg (those pills get really hard to cut evenly that small). It helped a bit, but I'm still really anxious and wound up feeling. I think it's just panic symptoms, but weird because I didn't have this at any of the other cuts. Although I guess, technically, I'm making bigger cuts, percentage-wise, than I was in the beginning, too. I don't know. This sucks. I was really hoping to be done with these bastards already. I think I should take a breath and slow down. If I need to take it a few days longer, I will. But how long? Another week? Two? Damn, I wish I didn't have to worry about the spa weekend. The way I feel right now, the last thing I want to think about is making someone think I'm relaxing and enjoying myself.

I sound ungrateful. But people only do what they think you need. And I don't need to worry about a weekend trip right now. Especially not with someone I haven't been alone with in several years. I'm having trouble making it through a regular day without a panic attack. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe the distraction will help. It did last year. Last year I had to worry about 20 hour car rides and whether or not we'd have a place to stay at the end of the trip. I had a lot of panic then, too. But not like this.

When I think of the years I've felt like this -- almost three years of this shit now -- I can't believe it. I can't believe how much time I've wasted and how much I've missed. How many kid things I've missed because I've been crying in the bathroom or the kitchen. I can't believe it's been that long. The way I feel right now, I feel like I'm back at the beginning. This is hell. I have to believe it. This is the worst time of my life, and it should be the best. I'm missing everything.

Is there really a way out of this? Can I really be different? Medication doesn't help (although it does seem to hurt). All that's left is to change my mind. Is that possible? How? How do I change my mind? I have to. I just don't know how to be any other way.

Wired

2009-06-24T06:23:00.000-07:00

Today I'm supposed to not take any clonazepam. I'm really trying to chicken out and at least take .0625 mg. Mainly due to this really excited, kind of electric/breathless feeling in my sternum. If I was really excited, it might be a fun feeling, but it goes a little beyond that to a kind of pre-gasp feeling, which isn't very pleasant. The problem is, I can't tell if it's hunger or lack of pill. I've never had this particular hunger feeling before, but I have felt kind of electric with low blood sugar before. And last night I had it, and even though I didn't take more pill, it went away after I ate dinner (and had a tiny bit of wine :).

So do I tough it out today? I'm feeling quite horribly tense this morning. And another excuse is that if I decide to go to the dr in a few days, I'll probably take a little then, so why quit before that. I don't know if taking more will just prolong the pain or make it easier. I also don't know if the pain is just due to the fact that I've read waaaay too much about benzo withdrawal on message boards (largely written by long term overusers of benzos). Somewhere in the back of my mind I'm still afraid I'm going to give myself heart failure if I stop today. I'm trying to convince myself to eat and rest a bit before I make up my mind.

(My guess is that I'm going to give in very shortly.)

Symptom searches ....

2009-06-23T10:35:00.000-07:00

I googled all my recent symptoms ... would you like to guess the main result? Yeah, anxiety. Is it stupid that I actually want something else to be wrong with me. Can't I have a malfunctioning organ or something? This makes me dread going to the doctor again to be recommended anti-anxiety stuff and ADs again. I honestly think if one more person says there's nothing wrong with me I might cry. Because if there's something physically wrong, I might be able to figure out how to fix it. But I don't know if anxiety is fixable for me. None of these bullshit pills I've taken have done anything for my physical symptoms -- or really for my anxiety either. So what else do I do? Just wait for it to pass. And then wait for it to come back again.

Please let there be something. Something to fix. Someone to believe me. Someone to see that I'm going crazy -- that I can't stand feeling sick like this anymore. Something to really work. Please. Please don't fucking tell me I'm perfectly healthy. Because I feel like I'm dying. I'm definitely not living. Help.

A**

2009-06-23T06:21:00.000-07:00

Feeling crappy today. Planning to go back to sleep if the little girl will ever get up and have her breakfast. Can't seem to stomach mine this morning.

This is my last scheduled day of .125 mg clon. Will I stop after today? Ugh. I've felt very lopsided -- like my balance is off -- the last several days. I had to abandon my walk last night after only5 minutes because I felt so out of balance -- I was seriously afraid I might fall over. I don't know if this is due to the med reduction, or my period, or something else entirely.

I do know that I am sick of feeling sick. In a week the doctor who runs tests will be back in town. If I don't feel any better, I'm there.

Relief

2009-06-22T06:57:00.000-07:00

Not sending the kids to school this year. It feels like a good decision -- I hope it is. At least it actually feels like a true decision. We'll see how much the decision helps my stomach. I know it will at least help the crying a bit :)

Have cut down to one .125mg dose of clon a day. Today's the second day -- it's a little rough, honestly. I'm definitely noticing this cut more than the others. I feel a little raw. I'm dreading the day after tomorrow -- which is the day I have none. I may try to make it 2 or 3 days and then take a dose after that. Between my not very good blood sugar this morning and the excitement of not putting the kids in school (which my husband and I decided before breakfast) -- it's hard to tell if the clon is the only reason I feel a little wound up.

Weak

2009-06-21T11:10:00.000-07:00

Feeling so very very weak the last few days. Weak and tired. Taking a little extra iron, though I kind of don't think that's the problem. Weak arms, legs, chest. I don't know what to do. No one's interested in finding out why. My mother has utter faith that a doctor will get to the bottom of it for me. Bullshit. I'll probably go back to a doctor, but I'm not holding out much hope that he'll do any better than the last one. I'm just crazy and I need to get over it. I think it sucks to be an uninsured woman. Perhaps if I was having a heart attack, someone might believe something was actually wrong with me. But now? No one cares. No one gets just how shitty I feel. And the worst part is that I've been trying to figure out why I feel shitty for so long that now no one even listens when I try to explain just how freaked out I am by how absolutely terrible I feel. It's like I cried "wolf" one too many times. Except I was never crying wolf. It's always been real. And no one ever gave a shit. So, what? I guess I'm just supposed to live with it. Great. Thanks.

Ugh

2009-06-21T06:18:00.001-07:00

So tired of feeling sick ... I'm going to go to a different doctor and only ask him about my stomach in one week if I don't stop puking by then. Not going to mention anxiety. I will want blood tests, x rays, whatever. Fix my damn stomach. Or at least tell me what's wrong with it.

Kids are due home in an hour. I wish I could say I was well rested. I slept for half the day yesterday -- I guess I feel a tiny bit less devastatingly exhausted, but only a little. And I offered to cook lunch for Father's Day. Because I'm crazy. It's just cooking out -- I was really thinking it would be dinner when I offered, but it somehow was moved to lunch. So here I am wondering if I can possibly drudge up the energy to fix lunch and somehow act like I feel not like shit in a couple of hours.

And I am reducing to only one .125 mg of clon today. Think peaceful thoughts. That dose will be in the morning -- pretty soon, in fact.

Where did it go?

2009-06-20T13:56:00.000-07:00

Where did my good mood go? I think it's largely dependent on the state of my stomach -- which feels empty. Felt so weak and terrible this morning. I took a three hour nap after lunch, which has left me feeling like I wasted my day with my husband. Down and hungry. I hope it's hormones.

Different

2009-06-20T06:43:00.001-07:00

I was amazed that the calm from my massage and EFT session lasted throughout the evening yesterday. I came home, took a nap (did take .125 clonazepam), and then went out to dinner. I was much calmer than I was at our date 2 weeks ago -- actually sat and talked and enjoyed myself for a couple of hours with only minor fidgeting (and we were sitting outdoors -- it was HOT). We also watched some TV, again without much fidgeting.

It didn't carry over into sleep, though -- that could be blamed on the 1/2 beer I had, though. I think that may have been my last attempt to drink for a while. It just isn't worth the headache, stomachache, and nausea I get from even a small amount.

This morning, I was able to talk myself out of being nervous in bed for a little while, but eventually the nerves won out (although I think the yakking was a little half-hearted this morning -- especially considering what I had for dinner last night -- hoping it will go away soon).

Now I'm eating ok. Had my .125 mg clon (and am trying to decide if I should try to split that dose or just eliminate the evening dose today -- eliminating a dose seems much bigger than just cutting one, even though it's the same increment of cut, and I've been doing relatively ok with those. I may keep this dose through the weekend. We're talking about going Into the City, and I'm not sure that's the time to reduce). Now am trying, with relative success, to eat breakfast. If I could get rid of this empty stomach feeling, I'd be so relieved. I feel like if I wasn't getting hungry so often, I could sleep for a week. I keep wondering if it's gluten-related. I'm considering cutting out gluten to see if it helps, though I'm guessing it would take a couple of weeks to know for sure if it was working. I've already eliminated wheat (only for a few days), so it might not be too much of a stretch.

I missed my walk last night in favor of a date and TV, and I definitely think my body is missing it. My muscles feel much more tense and it (and the late afternoon nap) could have contributed to my lack of sleep. Need a nap now.

Whatever, the EFT did seem to leave me feeling more positive. I was quite cheery at dinner, and during my nap yesterday, I kept feeling myself smiling for no reason at all. And still feeling less inclined to cry than I have been lately. Good stuff. I have another appointment scheduled for two weeks from now -- wondering if I should try to squeeze one in next week, too.

EFT

2009-06-19T15:46:00.000-07:00

Feeling weird and spacy after my EFT treatment. Good, though. Came home and passed out for over an hour. It was just nice to talk to someone (for about 1/3 the cost of a therapist -- and much nicer, too). Looking forward to going back in a couple of weeks. If you get a chance to do EFT, I recommend it. It was nice to be given some hope of something other than seven years of therapy sessions.

Holy cow

2009-06-19T07:20:00.000-07:00

Slept seven hours straight last night. Normally that isn't an accomplishment. Lately, though ... thank you. Perhaps it's the exercise? (Tummy still doesn't feel so hot this morning, but with a little sleep behind it, I'm not quite so dead, at least).

Kids leave for the gparents for 2 nights in about an hour. My appointment is a bit after that. I'm nervous. Mostly that I'll have a blood sugar crash. Although my kick ass walk last night has me feeling a little more confident that I can make it through at least.

So hoping for a good, restful weekend. So hoping I don't drive my husband crazy.

Walking

2009-06-18T19:05:00.001-07:00

I walked three blocks away from my house ... four in all. And around another block behind my house I'd never been on before. I know that sounds small. But it isn't for me. The best part? I pretty much enjoyed myself for most of it.

Hungry

2009-06-18T12:50:00.000-07:00

I am so unbelievably sick of feeling hungry. Clammy. Dizzy. I'm going to pass out if I don't eat ten minutes ago hungry. Every two hours. Or less.

Makes me dread all my upcoming massages and things. They're all two hours. Or more. I'm going to have to eat while I'm there or something.

?

2009-06-18T10:02:00.000-07:00

I slept better last night ... my stomach was feeling terrible right after dinner, but while I was putting the kids to bed, it went calm. Felt pretty good until about 6 this morning. I suppose that's progress. It went pretty much crazy at 6, though, and I had the usual puking paired with some unbelievable heartburn that lasted several hours. Sigh.

I've also been sleeping most of the morning. We've been getting up early for breakfast, so I intend to lie down after breakfast and give myself an hour or so to rest before I get on with the day. But I can't seem to make it less than 2 hours. So I end up sleeping until after ten, then scrambling to get a few things done and get everyone dressed so it doesn't seem like I've wasted the morning. And I spend the rest of the day exhausted. Yesterday I took two other naps in addition to the morning one. I did wake up a bit around bedtime. I'm a little concerned that the Primal Defense I'm taking is increasing my absorption of the clonazepam, which would make me sleepier -- although my dose stands now at only 1 PD and .125mg clonazepam twice a day. Still I might lay off the Primal Defense until I'm done with the clonazepam ... only a few more days.

Anyway, I'm stupidly sleepy right now. Need to take the kids swimming again, but I feel like I'm going to fall over. Probably some fresh air would be good for me. But I get so nervous taking them to the pool when I'm woozy. I hate the clonazepam ... I really wish I'd never started taking it. It makes me so unsure of my own physical reactions to things. Today I've been alternately clammy and sweaty and dizzy whenever I bend down. Right now I feel really out of it and shaky like I could panic. My arms have been kind of weak too, and legs sometimes. I guess all this could be attributed to the clonazepam wean. But it doesn't make me look forward to my appointment tomorrow too much ... if I feel this terrible, how am I even going to sit through two hours?? I seriously might panic during the massage.

Crying less today, though. I wish I was less tired, although i guess I haven't slept for shit in 6 weeks, so why wouldn't I be tired?

So where do I stand? I don't know. I haven't missed a walk yet -- even last night, although I was very panicky the entire time. I felt better after it was over. Overall -- I don't feel good, but I guess I feel different. My stomach has changed, my sleep has changed, my nerves have changed. I hope it will lead to something good.

Enough

2009-06-17T13:54:00.000-07:00

Enough with the crying today (yes I know this is like my 9th post today). Can't stop crying. I know it's either blood sugar or pills ... pills are getting my vote as I've hardly stopped eating today. Still.

Oddly

2009-06-17T13:38:00.000-07:00

Seem to feel much better when I'm alone. Probably because I'm not worried about ruining anyone's day.

Is it just me?

2009-06-17T13:05:00.000-07:00

Or does everything I do make me feel worse? Or am I worse? Maybe I'm better and I just can't tell. I guess considering I quit an AD last week and am weaning off a benzo this week and taking some supplements that cause detox maybe I should think I feel pretty good. But I just feel shaky and hungry and like I need ANOTHER nap. And like the thought of coming up with dinner makes me want to hide under the house. Because I don't know what to eat. How about some meat ... with quinoa. That would be like every other meal we've had this week. I don't even remember what we used to eat. That's ok, though, I probably shouldn't eat it anyway.

I did take the kids swimming today. I only hung out by the pool (this is in our yard, not like to a real pool or anything). I was feeling very lots like passing out, so it felt like quite an accomplishment. They still look bored out of their minds, though. And I need to be working. And folding laundry. And figuring out what we're going to eat tonight.

But hell hell hell I'm sleepy. Hell.

Missing him

2009-06-17T06:31:00.000-07:00

And I miss my husband. The worse I get the further away he is. He's very busy right now, and I know I'm exhausting. I just don't have any energy to be otherwise. At night we barely talk, barely kiss goodnight, sleep far from each other. I need to be better for all of us. But everything I've tried so far has been a flop. Medication? Not really addressing the problem (and the SSRIs just made me feel like I was completely insane). I don't know if my EFT session on Friday will help anything. I hope it will. I hope changing my diet, eating more, better food will settle my stomach down. I want to participate again. Want to be able to do things with my husband. Want him to be able to stand being around me again.

Ever?

2009-06-17T06:01:00.000-07:00

I wonder if I will ever start a day thinking anything other than "why is this happening?" Seriously ... why? Why again? What the hell is causing this?? I woke up starving at 2:30 this morning. Got up, had a banana and a GABA. Slept till six. Woke up starving. Again. Got up and had a glass of milk (should really not do that -- wondering if I'm allergic to milk). Heart pounded until 7:15. Puked. Asked the question. Begged, "please, please, let this be a better day."

Which makes me wonder if this actually is more blood sugar related than I've been thinking. Maybe I'm not eating enough. No, I know I'm not. I don't know what to eat. Cutting out wheat, corn, potatoes. Trying to reduce cow dairy products. Husband and I had a yelling fight last night because I was hungry and he -- although he brought the groceries I requested -- still hadn't brought anything I could eat (I wasn't accusing him ... just freaking out because I've begun to feel like I'm starving to death). He went back out on his own and found a bunch of gluten free stuff -- a little nut heavy for my nut phobia (I'm not sure it's an allergy or not), but it was really sweet of him. Anyway, obviously last night I was waking up because I was hungry ... but how long is it going to take me to catch up on calories? Yesterday I felt like I needed to eat all day, but I didn't feel like I was choosing the right thing. I never caught up, never felt full, felt too shaky and weak to even take the kids outside. I'm sure anxiety is making it a little worse ...

I made another cut today. .125 mg clonazepam morning and evening. Doesn't sound like much, but I'm pretty sure it hasn't done much for my stomach (yesterday I read: increased appetite, extreme hunger, nausea, and vomiting -- which are not considered to be bothersome side effects. No, puking for twenty minutes every morning doesn't get my day off to a shit start in the least). Find myself wishing I'd collapse and get sent to the hospital -- maybe someone would find something wrong with me then. Except they probably wouldn't. Just keep me long enough to give me more pills.

Feeling so bad for the kids. They're being trooper for me and I appreciate it. Yesterday, despite being inside all day, they had such a good creative day. Sat at the table with me while I worked and played dough like crazy. Read on their own. Didn't complain at all when we didn't go swimming. I can't tell you how much I really wish we didn't have the pool right now. It's such a stress to take them out there -- I don't want to take them swimming unless I feel like I can give them my full attention. I don't want to feel low blood sugar or dizzy or sick and miss something. However boring it is, I'd rather keep them inside than have something happen because I'm preoccupied with how terrible I feel.

It's breaking my heart to think of sending my girl to public school in a few weeks, but she doesn't deserve to be held prisoner here. I don't know what we'll do about the little boy. He's not ready for public preschool, and I think private is too expensive and complicated. I'm considering holding him prisoner for a year. He can go to regular kindergarten next year. Still, heart breaking. Things will not be the same. I feel like I've missed so much already -- being so preoccupied with my own problems. Now they're gone. And I wonder if the magic we have sometimes will be gone too. Still, it seems to be the only solution.

Ready for my after breakfast nap. I just want to sleep all day -- oddly, napping doesn't make my stomach hurt. I am getting exercise ... yoga, a short walk every day. I am trying. I really hope I turn a corner soon. I need to. Now on to that nap. I need it.

Appointments

2009-06-16T10:42:00.000-07:00

I made an appointment for an EFT treatment and a massage on Friday. I'm fairly certain I sounded like a raving lunatic on the phone, but the therapist knows my husband, so she probably knows I'm a nutcase.

Excited about it, but nervous. Two hours in the office is a long time. I hope the EFT works. Knowing me, I'll have a panic attack during the massage. I hope it helps .... My options are dwindling.

The new supplements I'm taking are making me feel crazy -- and hungrier. And I'm not even up to the full therapeutic dose recommended yet. I guess I'm just going to take small doses and hope it helps. I feel weird and wired. And the hole in my stomach is growing again.

Damn I need some sleep.

Sleep?

2009-06-16T06:13:00.000-07:00

Ok, so the first time I woke up last night was at 2-something. I don't think I went fully back to sleep after that, although my stomach didn't start freaking out until 6:30. So I'm on the fence about going back on the trazodone. I don't want to -- it didn't help me sleep all night, just for a little while.

I'm in the process of making a massage/EFT appointment for the end of this week, I hope. Right now, though, I'm on the fence about going there or to another doctor to get an actual opinion on my stomach issues as well as some blood tests. Maybe both? I'm sure my husband will be delighted to spend our entire Friday without kids running around to crazy-appointments. But I'm getting seriously frustrated with all this -- it's now gone past six weeks, which I really thought would be a turning point. I'm being so good -- not eating sugar, no caffeine, no alcohol, taking my new supplements. I'm not even eating any "white" things. I know a transition to a diet like this is a bit of an adjustment -- maybe I'm just putting myself through too much right now. Starting exercise, stopping pills, starting supplements, changing my diet.

I just really need a good night's sleep. And to not puke at the end of it. I feel like I'm dying. And I need to start working today. This is making me crazy. How long can this go on?

Tense morning

2009-06-15T06:11:00.000-07:00

Last night I thought I might be feeling a little better. Even this morning when I woke up at 4:00 for the first time, I thought, "Wow, I just slept for five straight hours ... better." Five to seven, though, my heart was thudding. Why does it do that? I wonder if it's blood sugar, but sometimes I can slow it down for a little while. Regardless, by the time I got up at 7, my chest was so incredibly tense that I was pretty sure I was having a heart attack and couldn't breathe. I don't like spending the first hour (and that's if I'm lucky) of my day eating, eating again, trying to breathe, chanting "you're ok, you're just tense, you're ok ...."

I did make the clon cut last night. I think I'm having a little tension from the missing trazodone -- or it could be the missing sleep. But I still managed a decent walk after dinner despite the panicky feeling in my chest -- actually managed to laugh a little at myself as I walked down a little deserted, tree lined side street. What exactly is so terrifying about this? Going to Target? Getting stuck at a traffic light? That would be another story.

I'm trying to go easy on myself. Even though everyone else seems to want to push it. Easy, but not too easy. Gentle forward progress, and I'm trying not to let myself regress. On a walk I can't cut it short, and I have to walk just a little farther than I really want to -- even if it's just half a block. And I have to go every day. No excuses. If I'm feeling really bad I'm allowed to just circle our small block, but so far I haven't had to do that.

One of the big stresses of my day is taking the kids swimming by myself. I have such a huge irrational fear that I'm going to faint in the water and drown. I've trained my daughter to climb out of the pool and get the phone and either call Daddy or 911 if anything happens to any of us. I wish I could relax and enjoy -- I count the minutes every time, which doesn't make them go any faster.

I'm also very stuck on the school decision. My son is not mature enough for public preschool. I'd love for both kids to go to Montessori school for a year until he's ready and then transition to the public school up the street, but it costs a lot. And both of these options seem to come back to my inability to drive. Originally my husband was very willing to take breaks to drive them to school and pick them up (everything's within five minutes of our house), but now he's not so sure. So if I keep them home (which I'm leaning toward again), I suck because I don't take them out and give them exposure, and if they go to school I suck because I'm not carrying the driving load. Plus with school, I get the pressure to get an out of the house job. I'd love for everything to work out and give me the chance to catch up at home while they're at school. I do work .. and there's lots around the house I don't get done. I know it's naive of me to think that it wouldn't be better if I earned a few thousand more dollars every month. Of course it would. But I don't want to accept a job only to realize that a full time job, plus my current home job, plus cooking and cleaning and taking care of the kids is just too much for me. To me, part of sending the kids to school is to allow me to regain my sanity. Adding more doesn't seem like it would let that happen.

I feel selfish. I know my husband is stressed and needs a break. I know this is all hard for him. He works a lot, buys all the groceries, and takes the kids out when they need to go. But when he comes home he is allowed to go sit and relax at the computer or take a nap if he needs to. He doesn't have to paint that room we're working on right away -- he can put it off. A lot of my stuff, I can't put off. I just need a little time to breathe.

I know these aren't huge stresses. We have food, enough money to pay our bills. I'm just exhausted. And all of this is enough to wake me up at four 'o clock every morning -- even if I'm not consciously thinking about them.

Not in a good place

2009-06-14T13:19:00.000-07:00

I'm in the place where I'm afraid to do anything. I'm afraid of eating because if I eat the wrong thing my blood sugar gets really wacky for a while ... so I just eat the same 4 things. And I get really upset if I'm feeling good and suddenly, oh, get hungry or something. I'm feeling really down today. I just want to curl up and cry. I didn't take any trazodone last night, so I'm sure that has something to do with it. Doesn't make me any less down, though.

I'm also due for another clon cut today. Only .125 this evening. I was planning to take a little GABA to help out but I'm not feeling very confident about it at this point. Yesterday was really stressful for me -- I suddenly feel a lot of pressure to make a lot of progress really fast. My husband even offered me a job. Out of the house. And then said it would really be better for me to get another job. Fuck. Don't throw that shit at me. I'm trying to take the kids swimming in the backyard for half an hour everyday without losing it. I'm trying to stop puking every morning. Give me some time. And yet I know all everyone's given me is time. And regardless of how shitty I feel right now -- everyone feels like my time's up. Time to suck it up and get over it.

Damn I feel bad today. Like I'm never going to get better.

Holy crap

2009-06-14T07:27:00.000-07:00

So I've committed for sure to the spa weekend (which is actually just going to be one night) and tentatively to the girls' sleepover. This could account for the sorry state of my stomach today.

Seriously, when the hell is this stomach stuff going to end. I keep getting tired in the evenings and thinking, ok tonight's the night for a deep natural sleep. But, no. Tonight is always the night for restless sleep topped off with two hours of serious tossing and turning to relieve the tense acidic pressure building in my stomach. Then the inevitable.

This is the reason for my tentative commitment to the girls' sleepover. I concede to yak in front of my mom if necessary, but I will not yak in front of my old friend and the wife of my husband's boss -- no matter how nice and sympathetic they are.

Still wishing for coffee. So tired. A nice Venti Americano with about 5 extra shots. (I have never in my life had a drink that big and strong -- it would make both my heart and head explode).

Why now?

2009-06-13T14:46:00.000-07:00

All these years that I've had this problem, and now -- now that I'm totally messed up -- people want to take me places. In the next month I'm invited to a girls night at a friend's house and a spa weekend with my mom. Everyone says, "there won't be anything to worry about" "maybe you just need to get away from your routine." And while on one hand I'm going, "Damn it people you don't get my situation AT ALL," on the other hand I'm wondering if it's something I've been trying to make happen and now's the time and I'll be going against the universe if I don't go.

Still, if my grandmother really wants to spend $1000 for a spa weekend, I wish she's use it to send the kids to Montessori day camp instead. Then I'd get a break every day. And they'd be happy. I'll pay for my own reflexology.

I think that's the part that's bugging me. No one's giving me a say. And that's part of my problem. I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER MY LIFE AT ALL. And I"m trying to regain some, but is that going to happen when people come and cart me off to sleepovers and spa weekends that I dont' really want to go to like the mentally ill aunt who they let out of the hospital for the weekend?

I should be grateful. But is one weekend really going to help? One weekend isn't going to change me. I can white knuckle and puke my way through a weekend, sure. And in the long run it might be a set back. I need to be able to choose. I need to be allowed to say no. And when it's a yes, I need it to be MY YES.

Right now what I'd like is the house to myself for a couple of days so I can cry as much as I want to. I want a couple of days not to pretend. I want to REALLY relax.

Ready to feel ok

2009-06-13T11:30:00.000-07:00

I know it's a long way away, probably, but I keep hoping I'll turn a corner and feel better.

Feeling very jittery and blood sugar-y today. Could be the fast food and the exercise last night. Damn exercise, always screws with my blood sugar at first.

Started some new supplements by Garden of Life (Primal Defense, FYI, Perfect Food, and Omega Zyme) today. There's a chance some of them will make me feel weird at first, but I'd give a million bucks if one of them would make my tummy issues better so I could at least sleep and stop puking.

I'm contemplating just stopping the trazodone now. It hasn't really been that long and after reducing my dose last night again, while I didn't sleep all that well, my bitch of a headache is actually better today. What's the worst that will happen? I'll sleep bad and be anxious? Maybe cry? Gee, that would be a switch.

I can't wait to start on GABA tomorrow. It always gives me a little mood boost. I wish I could dump the clonazepam and go on only GABA, but I think I need to be a little patient and taper through this week. I think it will be worth it.

Still so tired today. I almost don't like weekends. There are no breaks. I feel like I have to keep moving so my husband doesn't think I'm lazy. Which I guess he kind of does since he thinks all this is in my head and if I'd just get off my ass and get over myself I'd feel better. It's kind of a sore subject. And work the next 2 weeks. So I feel like I won't get a break for almost three weeks. I really hope I'm able to work. My brain feels so bad. Clonazepam sucks. Not sleeping sucks. Feeling sick sucks.

Have I mentioned that I'm really fucking tired of this. I know there are people who feel worse than I do for years. I don't know how they make it. Maybe they don't. Tomorrow is my six week anniversary. I really hope it's uphill after that.

Weekend mornings

2009-06-13T07:08:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid and I had these tummy problems, I'd always get a break on the weekends because I didn't have to go to school. What was to worry about? Now, though? There's no break from life, I guess. Saturday or not, I still woke up at 2:30 and 5:30, my tummy was completely a wreck by 7 and I did my usual ... erm ... thing by 8. Yay. Seriously, there has to be an end to this, right? Or am I so stressed out by having kids that it's just going to go on until I die?

I also only took 12.5 mg of trazodone last night ... I could definitely tell the difference in my sleep. I guess. I don't know, though, I've been waking up at 5:30 at every dose, so maybe the difference is in my head. Dreading the next clonazepam cut tomorrow -- will be at .25 a.m. and .125 p.m. I'm planning to add 100 mg of GABA at every .125 I cut to see if that possibly helps. By next weekend I should be basically done with it. The kids are supposed to be spending the weekend with the grandparents, so I'm going to let it go as soon as they're gone and hit the passionflower tea hardcore.

Damn, I really want a good cup of coffee. I'm so sleepy. And it's Saturday, damn it. But my tummy screams in objection at the thought of even a decaf (which isn't what I want, anyway). And I've made it six weeks without any caffeine at all. That's something I've been trying to manage for 3 years, so I guess why ruin it now. I'm really shocked that the absence of caffeine hasn't helped more -- usually just cutting it out for a few days is enough for my tummy and my brain to settle down. That's one thing that really makes me think something else has to be going on -- besides just anxiety. I think I'm going to have a hard time finding anyone who agrees with me, though. (I swear, if I hear, "you just have to change the way you think" one more time I'm going to smash my head through a wall. Just how easy do you think that is, exactly? Believe me, if I could flip a switch and not be like this, I'd do it in a second. Show me the fucking switch and I'll do it.)

On to the day. I'm going to attempt to pretend that I feel good -- do some painting, go for my evening walk, try not to spend the rest of the morning trying to recover lost sleep. I don't think that's the same as changing the way I think, but maybe eventually, if I pretend enough, it will stick.

Have I mentioned that I want to move? The moldy smell in our house is disgusting this morning. I wish we could just get out of here for a couple of months and see if it helps. If nothing else, the change might.

Another walk

2009-06-12T19:16:00.000-07:00

Went for another walk tonight. 12 minutes. But I went a little further than I have before ... explored a block down where I hadn't been. Even ran a little and got my heart rate up. Good for me. I was kind of pissed at the world, so I think that helped.

Can't decide if it's the trazodone taper or the clonazepam taper that's giving me this bitch of a headache, but I've had it for three days. The first day I took some ibuprofen, which didn't help and made me feel kind of freaky.

Next week I have to work (from home). My brain feels very scrambled. I hope I can keep up with everything.

I just want to relax and have a good weekend.

Reset?

2009-06-12T06:51:00.001-07:00

Stupid pills. Finished my round of Prilosec a couple of days ago. Now my stomach is burning like crazy. I didn't have excess stomach acid ... I guess I do now. Suck. Between a restless four year old and a yucky tummy, I didn't get muchh sleep last night. Although my sleeping pill did make me too groggy to be of any help with the four year old. I'm sure that made points with my husband.

I honestly wish I had never taken any of these pills. I should've toughed it out and found something that worked that my every instinct wasn't screaming not to do. Back down to .25 mg clonazepam twice a day. Yesterday I was exhausted, this morning my shoulders and my back are ridiculously tense. My agoraphobia is definitely worse than it was a couple of months ago (although I did take a nervous ten minute walk alone last night). We're trying to figure out how to send the kids to school in the fall (after giving up my years long goal of homeschooling last week), but can't figure out the logistics since we only have one car and I'm useless for picking anyone up from school or dropping them off. It's just more that my husband has to deal with and resent me for.

I feel so useless and sick and helpless and pathetic today. I feel sick, but I don't know how to find out if I am or all this misery is really caused by anxiety. I have no one to help me figure it out. I've exhausted everyone and doctors are no help.

I wish I could have a week all by myself to do nothing but eat and sleep. I'm so fucking tired and discouraged. Is there ever going to be a way out of this? Or am I always going to be like this? I don't know how to get out. And I feel completely alone as I try to dig my way out.

Feelin' Floppy

2009-06-11T14:59:00.001-07:00

With this step down on the clonazepam, I'm feeling actually really relaxed and floppy. Also clumsy and kind of stupid. That's a surprise. It makes me want to just stop taking it. I know I shouldn't. Then I think I want to cut a little more at a time than I planned ... maybe just the morning .25 today. But that would be a big cut. Does it matter at only 5 weeks? Probably. I should just stick with the plan. But that's usually my problem -- I try to overdo. Just to get it over with. If I do the standard .125 less every three days, I'll still be pretty much done by the end of next week.

Blah blah blah. I just need to stop thinking about this. My brain is feeling muddled and I just keep running over and over all this in my mind. Wonder if I need the trazodone tonight ... feel like I could go to sleep right now, no problem.

Ugh. So sleepy. Right at dinnertime, too. That's another thing I don't like about these pills. When I start to get hungry I just get foggier and sleepier -- I wonder if I fell asleep if I'd just eventually die of low blood sugar. I hate the way this screws with all my reactions to things. I'm actually wishing for my old predictable stress reactions. At least I knew what they were. All this has done is add a drug aspect to my phobia ... "maybe these are causing me brain damage ... I'll probably die any minute." Can't win.

But I'm going to.

Stepping Down

2009-06-11T06:28:00.000-07:00

I went one step lower on the clonazepam today -- .25 early and another .25 late. Last night I only took 25 mg trazodone (slept as well as I've been sleeping on 50 and much less woozy this morning). Since I've only been taking it for a couple of weeks, I think I'll take 25 for a few days and then use it only if I really can't sleep.

I feel actually pretty good this morning, although my early anxiety was pretty bad, and this bile situation (sorry) seems to be getting worse. I'm not sure what to do about it either. I finished my 14 days of Prilosec, which helped somewhat, although I definitely got progessively more biley as it went on. I'm not really sure who to talk to about it. The dr I've been going to lately, I don't think will do any tests -- just more pills. I'm considering going to a dr I went to a couple of years ago who at least would probably examine me and might be able to tell me what's going on.

I'm anxious to do the food allergy test, and I really hope some of my books start arriving soon. It's been nearly six weeks that I've felt really sick, and the last time this sort of thing happened, it lasted six weeks at its worst. Somewhere in my mind, I'm hoping that this is some sort of six week long freak out and maybe I'll feel better soon.

Band Aids fall off

2009-06-10T11:29:00.000-07:00

So what I'm finding ... after a date with the A/C repairman (nicest repairman ever, by the way) ... is that these pills I'm taking don't change my response to my anxiety AT ALL. I paced and shook and felt like I would pass out and got hot and sweaty palms, despite the fact that I'd taken my morning dose of clonazepam only an hour or so before he came. I also had a dinner date with my husband last weekend. I was more nervous than I was on our last date two months ago when I was med free. I do not need this shit for my anxiety.

I just ordered a food allergy test online. Hopefully it will provide some answers. I need to get my stomach straightened out. But I am getting off the anxiety meds ... they don't change my anxiety a bit. Apparently what I've been told all along is true -- only I can change my anxiety. So bring it. I've got to get out of this.

Holding it together

2009-06-10T06:51:00.000-07:00

Sticking with the trazodone/clonazepam combination. In my overly optimistic mind, I'll only continue them for a month or so. I am seriously against continuing the clonazepam past four months, although I'm sure my doctor would let me.

The mornings are still hard, although today was maybe a tiny slight bit better. I just hate waking up nervous, then spending two or so hours feeling like I'm about to collapse. I'm beginning to suspect that the morning puke and nervousness might be blood sugar related, but how do I get it stabilized? And once I do, how do I keep it stable? Hypoglycemia is not something my doctor would believe, I don't think, although if I asked I could see him subjecting me to a glucose tolerance test, which I really couldn't handle. Seriously, that thing nearly did me in when my blood sugar was in better shape. I'm afraid I'd collapse or go into convulsions or something now.

I'm thinking I'm going to order a food allergy test today. I was looking at a website that sold all sorts of hormone and parasite and other tests you could do from home -- I think I want them all. I wish they made a "you're ok and you're not dying of anything test" just so I could get that fear out of the way. Also, "you aren't going to pass out unexpectedly" and "being nauseated isn't the end of the world."

Back to the routine ....

2009-06-09T06:09:00.000-07:00

The kids are back. Still sleeping, and I'm actually nervous about them getting up. My tummy feels wretched today. I'm sure it's not because of the three days of terrible fast food I just ate. On top of the fact that it felt pretty wretched anyway.

I cut my clonazepam by .125mg this morning. The last couple of days it's seemed really strong -- I've been so woozy and tired. Maybe I've just been tired, but I've felt drugged. So I'm going to stick with .375mg in the morning and .25 at night for a few days and if I feel ok, then I'll cut another .125 at the end of the week or so. At first I really like how relaxed it made me feel, but now I just feel dizzy and yucky. It's only been a month, so I'm hoping it won't be terribly painful to discontinue it.

I feel a little guilty about quitting the Lexapro. I haven't told my husband. It was kind of my one shot option as far as SSRIs in my mind. I just can't see going through nearly 3 more weeks of nausea, headaches, and insane feelings only to possibly find that it really isn't going to help my problem anyway. The other options (Zoloft and Prozac) that the dr gave me last time aren't really options for my condition in my mind.

I read this really good article on the effectiveness of anti-depressants in most cases -- basically the conclusion is that they can be life savers in very very severe cases, but if your problem is some anxiety, what you really need to do is work on your social connections and basically get your own shit together rather than relying on a drug to do it for you. Because there's a good chance it won't help, definitely not permanently.

Maybe I'll change my mind. I don't know. I know my agoraphobia is a very big problem for me and my family. But right now the biggest issue I'm having is with my belly. And all the pills seem to be, if anything, making the agoraphobia worse (it is a side effect of several of them ... agoraphobia. great, like I need more).

I so envy those people who wake up in the morning, drink their coffee or go for a run without a though. Maybe they're worried about paying some bills or buying a new car, but they're not worried about walking out the door or making it through cooking breakfast for the kids. I want to be one of those people who can just do things. Work is maybe a hassle, but you do it. And when something fun comes up -- vacation, a night with the girls --it's something to get excited about, not panicked. I don't want to do anything special. I just want to be able to do regular things. Take my daughter to the craft store or the park. Take my son on that walk he's always asking for -- and be able to notice the world around me, to be able to notice my son, instead of only being able to notice how much dizzier and out of breath I'm feeling the further from home we get.

This difficulty and pain has to have some purpose. Surely I will find my way out of it, or at least learn to live fully with it. Maybe then I will appreciate my life more. There must be something to be gained from all this. I hope I can find it.

Doing my best

2009-06-08T16:12:00.001-07:00

I don't know if this is the right decision, but after feeling the Lexapro leaving my body today with a sigh of relief, I'm not sure I can put any more in for a while. I'm jittery tonight, but managing.

I just ordered a stack of books on natural healing and amino acid therapy that I'm going to try. And I'm going to keep on with the trazodone and the clonazepam for a bit until I get that underway. And I need to get an appointment with our massage therapist friend that does EFT. I need to take control of this. I was hoping by going to the doctor and getting medication that someone else would take over and be in charge ... fix me. But as the days go by I feel more and more like shit. And the Lexapro was making me feel like I was losing my mind a little bit.

I've also got to get my stomach under control. I feel like under the drugs, it's just getting worse and worse.

I think it would be pushing it to say I feel hopeful. Right now I feel sick, exhausted, and scared. But I want to do something real for myself. Not something temporary. I'm so afraid that my family will be disappointed. My parents seemed to get so much more supportive once I was on medication -- like I hadn't been trying before.

I believe the things I need are mostly external ... community, support, time for myself, things I'm interested in just for me, exercise, better diet. And I'm not going to be able to tell if those things are working or not if I'm in a drug haze all the time. Right now I hardly feel like I can see where I'm going.

I'm scared. But I deserve better.

Damn Stomach

2009-06-08T07:07:00.001-07:00

I really need to find out what the deal is with my stomach. It was bad before the meds and maybe worse now -- definitely not much better, though different. I throw up more now. Yay.

I think I'm going to give Lex the day off. I've been taking such a low dose and for barely over a week, I don't think a day will hurt. Maybe it's a mistake, I don't know. The nausea and anxiety seem to kick into high gear right after I take it, so I'm just going to try. I don't think the side effects should be getting worse and worse, should they? Everything I've read says the first week is worst, then things get better. My first week wasn't too bad, now I feel like shit.

Kids are due back tonight. So we've got a lot of cleaning to do. And I need some groceries and some stuff from Target. I wonder how much trouble I'll be in if I don't want to go. Probably a lot. Everyone is encouraging me to "push myself" a little now that I've got medication. I want to say, "Dude, do you have any idea how much worse I feel than I did before I started this? Do you know how little I want to go try to walk around Target shaking and feeling like I'm going to puke?" I want to say "give me a f***ing break." But I think everyone already has. And I think they're tired of giving me breaks. Believe me, guys, I'm tired of asking for them.

At the end of the day ...

2009-06-07T18:41:00.001-07:00

Still Sunday. We had a busy day cleaning out a room we had been using for our office/junk room that really should be our son's bedroom. We got a lot done, and I figured being busy might take my mind off my anxiety.

I don't know if that's what did it, or if the lower dose kicked in, but my anxiety was definitely somewhat better. My stomach, on the other hand, sucked. I feel like I'm pregnant (am NOT) -- really nauseated, headachy, and have to eat every 2 hours or I get dizzy. I had half a beer at dinner last night, and I'm wondering if that had anything to do with the nausea -- beer has not been agreeing with my meds, so I really haven't been drinking any.

So, I haven't been able to eat very well today, and it's been all take out food because my nice husband is trying to give me a kitchen break while the kids are gone. Right now my stomach feels sad and empty -- like I just got over a bug or something.

I hope tomorrow will be a good day. We need to go out and do a little shopping while the kids are still with the grandparents, and I'll really feel like a shit if I beg out of going. On the other hand, I haven't had much of a break during my vacation weekend, so maybe I deserve it. But so does my husband -- he never gets a break and always takes such good care of me. I'm so grateful for all that he does for me. And for my good friend M who gave me some excellent, heartfelt advice on my situation today. She's awesome too.

2.5

2009-06-07T07:31:00.000-07:00

Sunday morning. My parents have taken the kids for two, possibly three, days. I hope this happens a lot this summer. They need some time away from my problems.

I bumped my Lexapro back to 2.5 mg. I don't know if that's even a useful dose, but 5 mg was feeling like so much. My panic was mostly manageable yesterday -- even went to dinner with my husband. I managed pretty well, although by the end I was very fidgety and made us leave before he was ready. Still, I think over an hour in a restaurant is pretty good.

Anyway, I'm going to stick with 2.5 mg for this week and then try going back to 5. I don't know if I'm making things better or worse by doing this, but I've read about people weaning onto ADs like this, so I'm going to try it.

I also had some good, encouraging advice from a friend with AD experience. She made me feel like it was worth sticking it out.

Now I need to see how this Sunday goes. I am feeling personally responsible if I ruin my husband's weekend... our weekend... without the kids. No pressure.

Decision ...

2009-06-06T07:10:00.000-07:00

After a clonazepam, my tension faded last night, but left me with a raging headache. I took 50 mg of trazodone before bed and slept pretty well, but still woke up nervous this morning.

Now it's about the time I've been taking my Lexapro dose. Do I take it? After my anxiety yesterday, I'm a little scared to. Will it be worse today? Was it just a result of my stressful day or is it the wrong pill for me? I tried to discuss my worries with my husband, but he seemed frustrated and told me I should "stick to the plan." Great. My plan did not include increased anxiety and more fear of going out than I've had in a year.

I feel calm, if a little sad, this morning. Not sure what to do. I'm sure this is made worse by the fact that my husband and kids went out without me. So now they're out having a nice summery Saturday morning, and I'm sitting here, trying to eat breakfast alone, missing out on everything. I wish I could either go with them or just enjoy the morning off, but I just feel lousy. I want to cry because I'm really afraid the pills aren't going to help, and I'm going to be worse than I was before and really miss everything.

Yesterday, after years of planning to homeschool, I decided it would probably be best to put my kids in public school. That decision is hurting me too. This time last year, I was enthusiastic and very excited about our homeschool plan, but now I realize that I'm not up to the task. I feel like it would be selfish of me to keep them home with me and bring them down into my depressed hole. I can't even take them out for a walk, why do I think I can give them the exposure to the world that they need? So there's that. I feel like a failure.

I can't decide if it's that or the pills or both that are making me so much more depressed today. If it's the pills, I should stop taking them. I so want to feel like I'm in charge, and right now I'm not. If I get anxious, deep breathing doesn't do shit, but a yellow pill does. It's bullshit. I should probably consult my doctor, but I don't feel like that would help much. He'll either up my dosage or throw more pills at me. And to be honest, I'm still not entirely sure this stuff is what I need. And the doctor is only going on what I've told him.

If I'm going to quit the Lexapro, I need to do it now. It's only been a week of a pretty low dose, so I think I should just be able to stop. I keep thinking I need to cut it, then the clonazepam, then the trazodone, but then I think about how lousy I felt before. Worse? No. Just also bad, but different. I guess at least I can function now. Marginally. I don't know what to do.

I'm tired of missing my life.

Mad?

2009-06-05T19:18:00.000-07:00

And then I got mad... agitated is more like it. It could have been blood sugar ... or not. And it's likely that I pulled the "agitated" from the very dangerous side effects list on my prescription bottle. And it was an admittedly stressful day. Very. Emotionally, anyway. So that could explain the increased crying. But when is enough? Is it enough that I'm asking that question? Or do I give it a few more days just to see if I really lose my shit?

So ...

2009-06-05T15:14:00.000-07:00

How do I know when side effects are too much? If I hadn't promised myself to give it two weeks, I would've quit the Lexapro by now. I seem to be having worse and worse spaciness and weird panic attacks every day. I feel more agoraphobic now than I did before I started it. I don't like it. Do I quit? Now? Before I get too far in? Or am I being a pussy?

Day 8

2009-06-05T07:00:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was a jittery heart thumpy day. Is that normal for this? Occasionally it's normal for me even without the medication. But I'm so pill-phobic, every symptom I have now, every heart thump, every moment I feel weak and exhausted, I wonder if I'm doing the right thing. Are these pills causing some irreversable damage in my body? Hurting my heart? Making my mind even worse? Why am I still throwing up when I get up in the morning (not pregnant ... so not pregnant)?

Admittedly, in general I feel a lot better than I did a week ago, except for the three or four periods of panic a day. But in my heart, I don't want this medication. So it's hard. I guess maybe no one wants medication. Everyone wants to just feel good. I feel bad that I'm going to a GP for this ... like there could be something he's overlooking, because he doesn't do much but ask me how I like the meds and offer me new ones if I don't like the current ones. Since I claimed anxiety, he accepts anxiety as my diagnosis. Is there more to it? It's irrelevant. I'm not low income enough to qualify for mental health assistance, but not high income enough to go to a Pdoc. So I'm trying to accept it. Hoping the weird feelings will subside in a few days and I'll feel pretty good for a while.

Either way, my doses are low by choice. 5 mg Lexapro, .75 mg clonazepam, 50 mg trazodone at bedtime. I don't think it will be too difficult to discontinue these when I choose to. I hope it won't be too long.

What I need to figure out is what is triggering the worst of these episodes. Is it stress? Food allergies? Other allergies? I can't help associating them with where we live. I never had completely debilitating anxiety until we lived here. It could be that I'm alone in the house with the kids all day, I have no social outlet, no one to talk to, I don't get enough exercise, and I don't really like our house. Or it could be some physical thing ... mold in the house, or something else. I wish we could do over on the house ... leave it behind and give me a year in the country to see if I got better or worse.

I don't want to be on medication forever. I am not that person. I don't like feeling like I'm functioning now due to poisons. Maybe this is the crazy talking, but I can feel them. Like I said yesterday, this is not a clean calm. It's artificial, and I can feel it.

I wish ... hell, right now I just want a day off. Or a week. What would that be like?

Ironic

2009-06-04T10:05:00.000-07:00

I'm taking all these pills to feel like I did a few weeks ago (which wasn't very good, but not as bad as I felt last week). I just want to feel good and happy. Today I feel like crying.

Day 7

2009-06-04T06:39:00.000-07:00

A rough start to the day. Again. Since I've started taking the pills, deep breathing does nothing to calm my morning nerves. Nothing helps except the yellow pill. It's only been a month that I've been taking it, but already I'm terrified of what I'm going to feel like when I try to stop.

Yesterday was a good day. I felt really calm and good until around 5, when I hit a state of mild panic and stayed there the rest of the day. My neck and shoulder were hurting (not unusual), which made me tense and out of breath. I'm feeling kind of down today.

I've decided that I'm going to give the pills two weeks, and if the negative effects haven't gotten worse by then, I'm going to give them a month. If I don't feel somewhat better by then, I'm going to get off everything (which will probably take about another month) and try a new natural approach and some EFT (I know a practitioner in town). I know a month isn't very long, and I don't expect to feel perfect by that time, just a bit more better than worse.

I think this would all be easier if I felt like I had time to spend on myself. But by the time I do the things I have to do, all I seem to have the motivation to do is sit and stare.

I've been really looking forward to this summer -- setting up the pool, spending lots of happy time in the sun, maybe some weekend outings, going to the farmstand and the berry farm -- and now ... now I just want to curl up and hide in the dark.

Natural Calm

2009-06-03T07:33:00.000-07:00

One thing I'm missing, that I've been looking for these last few anxiety ridden weeks is calm. Yeah, I know, that sounds obvious. But this is a specific calm. A calm I used to be able to find that I can't. The calm from medication isn't the same ... the calm from the medicine has an underlying buzz, like the layer of calm is over the anxiety, and as it wears away the anxiety gets stronger. The calm I'm looking for doesn't have the buzz. The anxiety melts. When I was younger, I could drink a cup of Tummy Mint tea, sit with a heating pad, and just dissolve into this lump of blissful calm. Up until even a few years ago, I could cut out caffeine, switch to tea, and I would feel almost too calm, too relaxed.

But now ... what's happened? Caffeine, gone. Alcohol, gone. Sugar, gone. And still I can't find any calm. The medication seems to be the best I can do. It's not calm, just non-panic, with a little shaking underneath. Have I really lost that ability to be truly calm? It has to be there somewhere, doesn't it? Am I obliterating it forever with all these pills?

Day Six

2009-06-03T07:01:00.000-07:00

I slept a little better last night without increasing the trazodone. I think it was possibly because I held off on my clonazepam until after dinner. I actually slept (I think) 7 hours straight. Amazing to me that this is an accomplishment. Up until a month ago it was hard for me not to sleep nine hours.

I seem to be feeling generally calmer, but I have these brief moments of near panic. My breath will catch or I'll get an odd feeling in my throat or chest that leaves me a little jittery and unsure for a few minutes.

My contant hunger is still my most persisent problem through the day. As soon as I eat, I'm hungry. Sometimes I can tell that it's nerves, other times it's followed by low blood sugar symptoms. It's hard to tell if I'm really hungry or not. And I thought I might escape the morning yak today, but no. It's been very consistent since I started the clonazepam (nearly a month), so I'm wondering if it's due to the mucus increase.

I do feel a little more able to smile (although I occasionally feel a little wired or giddy) and be some fun with the kids. Yesterday I was able to sit on the porch with them pretty comfortably for a while (sad because it was something I could do without medication a couple of months ago). Still, there's the underlying desire to go crawl back in my bed in my dark bedroom and not come out.

I can't stop questioning whether the medication is a good idea or not. I firmly believe that my disorder could be healed naturally -- with supplements, impeccable diet, and support. For the diet I need to have an expensive allergy test. As for the support, my very few supporters are busy (and my main supporter, my husband, is tapped out). I also have a strong feeling -- I don't know if it's founded or not -- that if we could move to a new house, out of town, even back to our yurt in the country, I would feel better. I had problems before we moved to this house, but they grew exponentially almost instantly when we moved in. I never felt joy in this house. Whether this is some physical reaction to the house (an allergy or something) or a stress reaction (to being "trapped" in this house and worried we'll never be able to sell it), I don't know. But my husband doesn't want to move now, and it's a big change to make. The changes I need aren't going to happen fully, and I don't know that I have the strength to heal myself without medication, much as I want to. So I have to close my eyes and hope that these pills will help me do what I can't do on my own.

Up and Down

2009-06-02T13:27:00.000-07:00

This may be a many posts a day sort of thing. I'm so all over the place. An hour ago I was feeling pretty happy and relaxed (that was after feeling crazy hungry and anxious an hour or so before that). And a few minutes ago I noticed ... while I was trying to read ... that I can' hold my book (or anything) in my hand without my whole arm shaking. I'm sure it's just the medication and will probably go away, but ... come on. Not that I'm feeling especially interested in reading anyway. No focus. Just want to sit and stare. Or lie down. And sleep. Whatever, I think today is actually an improvement over yesterday.

I can't even imagine it

2009-06-02T07:08:00.000-07:00

I hope at some point soon I'll be able to picture myself going out. Doing normal things.

Right now just looking at a photo of someone walking down a street alone. Driving alone. Sitting in a restaurant. They all make me feel kind of cold and clammy. My heart gets a little thumpy. I want to climb in bed and never get out.

How can I begin to venture out if I can't even think about it without feeling panicky?

Time. Time. Please let this work.

Hoping this doesn't just make me more crazy ...

2009-06-02T06:31:00.000-07:00

My mind is constantly fixed on the time when I'll be able to wean off all this medication. After five days. I'm trying to concentrate on the rest aspect of medication. I'm taking all this because I'm exhausted from worrying, not eating, not sleeping, and taking care of my family all day every day. I don't get many breaks. A grandparent sleepover every few months, an hour out with Daddy every week or two, that's it. And usually during those times I don't just relax. There are toys to pick up, dinner to plan, laundry to fold, work to catch up on. The thought of making a meal literally makes me want to cry (and I cook three a day plus snacks most days). My husband will pick up dinner whenever I want, but in our town our options are limited, and I don't think six meals a week loaded with MSG and whatever other nonsense counts as food in restaurants will do much for my precarious mental state.

Where was I going with all that? I need to rest. I am beyond tired. Most of all tired of feeling like most days it takes most of my energy just to hold my shit together ... and then I still have to try to be good for the kids and get everything else done. I've been doing a lousy job lately. I'm hoping the medication will eventually give me a break from the constant worrying, possibly make dinnertime less sob-worthy, and eventually give me the ability to get in the car and take a mommy afternoon. Alone.

I often wonder if this could all be avoided if there was anyone around. My husband works long hours so that I can stay home with the kids, and when he gets home he's understandably exhausted (and understandably a little tired of hearing me talk about how exhausted I am and how crappy I feel every day for the last 3 years). I wonder if we lived in a situation where there was a grandma living down the street, an aunt with some kids we could play with, neighbor friends ... a community we felt ties to ... if I would feel better because of the support. And contact. Because, I have no contact. I'm not too good at making friends, and this agoraphobia makes it pretty much impossible. I need support. But my parents live 45 minutes away and my mom has two jobs. My husband is busy. Those are my two avenues of support and they're just too busy. I understand. But that doesn't make my loneliness any less crushing.

So what I'm hoping for from this medication is a break. I want my mind not to care so much ... and to maybe learn how to get out and find some connections. I want to tak my kids to the playground, instead of pretending like our yard is plenty good enough. I want to have the motivation to do fun activities with them.

I want to feel like a person again. I want to be alive.

Med update: Still feeling jittery from the Lex, Trazodone not helping me sleep for very long (maybe need to take a bigger dose), Clonazepam still worries me (and still makes me feel like a million (sleepy) bucks. No improvement on the morning nervousness. Feeling hungry all the time (maybe just catching up from weeks of barely eating?).

So my choices are zombie or maniac?

2009-06-01T08:01:00.000-07:00

Welcome. This is my attempt to chronicle my (hopeful) progress with agoraphobia. I also enjoy a bit of Generalized Anxiety Disorder which has led to many nice depressive episodes. Yay.

I've been unable to drive, go shopping or even go for a walk on my own or with my kids for the last 3 years, but I've had some agoraphobia for at least ten years ... maybe always. Until now, I've tried -- with some success -- to treat myself naturally. Three years ago I had a sort of breakdown which led me to consider medication, but I didn't follow through with it. A month ago I had another one ... another breakdown -- unable to eat, sleep, or function -- and I'm not even sure what caused it. One day I was more or less fine, and I woke up in the night with a pounding heart and haven't been the same since.

So now I'm giving medication a good try. I'm not going to lie. I hate the idea of medication. I'm scared of it. Scared it's going to make me worse. Scared of all that stuff I read about people going manic or becoming benzo addicts.

Three weeks ago I was prescribed generic Paxil, clonazepam, and Elavil. The Paxil made me feel like a zombie. I was scared of the Elavil and didn't even try it. I was having terrible stomach problems -- am still -- which felt like an ulcer and I didn't want to make it worse. The clonazepam was great ... except that on its own it made me cry and I was so afraid of becoming dependent that I wouldn't take enough to really do me any good.

So I went back to the doctor. (I am uninsured, so I'm going to a GP -- there's no way I could pay for a PDoc). This time I got Lexapro (I'm taking 5 mg to start), kept the clonazepam, trazodone, and some Prilosec for my tummy. I'm on day 4. Thank goodness for the clonazepam, because I don't think I could handle the jitters from the Lexapro without it. And they seem to be getting worse daily. I've read that initial nervousness is normal with Lexapro, and that if you can stick it out for a couple of weeks, everything gets a lot better (of course, as my nervous mind projects, I see the anxiety spiralling into a full manic episode that lands me in the hospital). The trazodone is nice, but makes me a little dizzy, so I'm considering just using the clonazepam for sleep.

I'm having serious early morning nervousness (I've had this periodically since I was a kid). I wake up around 5, instantly nervous, and try in vain to go back to sleep until about seven, by which time I've worked myself into such a state that I have to get up and throw up. Then it takes about 2 more hours to settle down. It's a great way to start the day.

Anyway, that's where I am. I've read really good things about Lexapro and citalopram (which is what I'll switch to if my Lexapro samples agree with me) and agoraphobia. I'm afraid to think what a kick in the gut it will be for me if it doesn't help somewhat.

Follow along and see how it goes. I'm going to try to post daily to keep up with my (hopeful) progress. Talk to me. Let me know where you are and I'll talk back.

I've been in this hole a long time. I hope with all my heart that there's a way out of this.